Ladies' Man
by corny sloth
Summary: Sirius gives advice. Remus grits his teeth. Peter shifts in his seat. James tries very hard not to beat Sirius into a pulp. Oneshot. LilyJames.


**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter, names, characters and indicia are solely JK Rowling's. I do not take credit for any thing you recognize in this story.

Also, some of the advice Sirius gives are based on an article I read in CosmoGirl about a year or two ago. So naturally, I don't own those either.

**A.N:** I seem to be on a roll here, two stories in two days, but who's complaining!

This is probably the most mental thing I've ever written, and I've written my share of mentally challenged things.

Feedback is, again, appreciated.

-&-

**-Ladies' Man-**

-&-

"What you've got here my friend," Sirius Black began, his fingers linked together wisely as he sat on one of the tables in the Three Broomsticks, "Is a _serious_ case of Denial," He paused before adding, "And I am not talking about myself." He guffawed at his own pun for a moment while Remus gritted his teeth, Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat and James tried very hard not to punch him in the face.

James honestly didn't know what he was doing here at nine o' the clock on a Thursday night, with Sirius the Tosser Black giving him advice about how to approach Lily Evans.

Coughing comfortably at the lack of response from his friends, Sirius scratched his head for a moment, and continued, "As I was saying, Lily is currently in the phase of Denial. She's trying to convince herself that the feelings she has for you are purely platonic—"

"Do you even know what 'platonic' means?" Remus cut him off and was rewarded with a piece of shoe aimed at his head.

"_As I was saying,_" Sirius gritted, acting like Remus never interrupted him. "Lily is in Denial. I mean, Prongs," He continued, turning his full attention towards James, "I can honestly say, in a thoroughly heterosexual way of course, that you are an attractive chap. Sure, the glasses give you a kind of…dorky look, your hair is a constant mess, you're a bit lanky, true… but…er… what was my point again?"

Remus bit his tongue, and James groaned, running his hand tiredly across his face. "That I'm attractive?" He suggested and Sirius frowned.

"Don't get too cocky now, Mister!" He berated, waving a finger warningly in front of his face. It took all of James's will power not to bite the finger off. "Because you know, that's just the attitude that is driving Miss Evans away from you and into the hands of horny and hormone driven teenage boys!

In fact, I have studied this phenomenon for years now, and have come to the obvious conclusion that she thinks you're a conceited and egotistical piece of human waste."

James shot him a glare.

"So I am here today, my friend, to help you with my wide expertise and knowledge of the female mind." He straightened up and fixed James with his most effective glare that made James cower. "First lesson of the day, and listen carefully, Potter: How To Understand Women. Since the beginning of time, men have agreed that we could never comprehend the female physiology and their ways of thinking. So many unanswered questions!" He exclaimed, banging his fist on the table. "What do women want from us? What do they really mean when they say they have a headache? Why are they so moody during PMS?"

"That's disgusting, Sirius," Remus snapped, while Peter giggled nervously at the word 'PMS'.

"But it's part of life, Moony!" Sirius cried cheerfully. "So now, James m'boy, first tip of the day," He took a deep breath, then, "Never punch a girl in the boob. You will pay for it."

Remus stared. Peter giggled at the word 'boob'. James gripped the edges of the table. "Sirius, why would I want to punch Lily's boobs? Sure, I'd like to touch and fondle them, but definitely _not_ punch them."

Sirius shrugged. "You never know, my friend!"

"Moving on," Remus pressed, his tone tinged with annoyance.

"Right-o. Secondly," Sirius continued, "How to know if Lily's being nice just to be friendly, or she's being nice just to get into your pants." Remus made a derisive noise and Sirius ignored him. "There's a simple way to test that. Note that if she laughs at your corny jokes –bearing in mind that all of your jokes are quite stupid-, it means that she likes you. If not, she will point out your lame _shaggy dog stories_," Again, he guffawed at his stupid pun, while the rest glared.

Sirius coughed. "Thirdly, what you must know, Prongs, is that girls like a guy who's confident, who knows how to treat her right. So when you're with her, flatter her. Tell her how cool and beautiful she is –_all the time_. Guys have forgotten the power of compliment. That's a shame because life and dating would be much easier if we remembered."

There was a moment of silence as the three boys processed Sirius's words, amazed that something productive finally came out of that yap of his, while Sirius tried to inconspicuously put away the latest issue of Witch Weekly in his bag.

"And now, for our second lesson of the day!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly. "Things You Should Never Say To A Girl. One: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" You may think it means 'do you want to sleep with my tonight?' but you're wrong. It means 'I'm completely unoriginal and crude'. Get a new funny story instead," He glared at James like it was actually him that had said that line.

James rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"Two: "I need to take a whiz"," Sirius shook his head disapprovingly. "No girl needs to know your potty needs. Be funny instead and say something like: "Excuse me, I think I see my friend, Merlin". Works everytime," He nodded knowingly.

"Oh dear God," Remus muttered, burying his face in his hands.

"And now for our third and most important lesson of the day: Why The Funny Guy Always Gets The Girl. Girls might say that humor is the first thing they look for in a guy. They're lying. It's looks. We've already established that you have those. Of course, they're not nearly as attractive as mine—" Remus coughed something that distinctly sounded like 'narcissist', but Sirius either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him. "But they're close. So I'm going to give you a few tricks and advice on sense of humor that'll definitely get you into Lily Evans's pants."

"Because you _have_ a sense of humor?" Peter piped up. Sirius glared.

"What did you say, you little pulp?" He bit. Peter cowered.

Sirius turned his attention back at James. "Trust me, Prongs, these tricks are guaranteed to make Lily laugh until she can't breathe and needs to borrow oxygen from your mouth."

-&-

"Er, hi, Lily," James started nervously, furtively glancing at the end of the table where Sirius was giving him the thumbs up.

She looked up at him and grinned. "Oh hello, James. What can I help you with?" She asked and he smiled timidly.

"Well, I – I was thinking if I could maybe join you for dinner," He stammered but she smiled encouragingly up at him, making his heart flutter and his insides clench.

"Oh, of course. Here, sit down," She said, removing her bag from the seat next to her.

"Where are your friends?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Marlene's in the Library, I believe, and Emmeline is off snogging some Hufflepuff in a broom closet."

He nodded and scooped up some ice-cream into a bowl. Glancing towards Sirius again, he took a deep breath. "Say, Lily, do I have something on my face?" He asked.

Quickly glancing at his face, she shook her head and returned to her plate. Acting quickly, he scooped up a spoonful of ice-cream and splashed it on his nose.

"What about you? Where are your friends?" She asked, again glancing at him before she burst out laughing. "Oh, um, James, I believe you have something on your face," She giggled and he gave her a mock horrified look.

"I do?! But you just said I didn't!" He protested, checking his reflection in his spoon.

Laughing, she took out her napkin and averted his face towards hers with two fingers under his chin. "Hold on, let me get this out," She muttered, cleaning up his nose, and James felt his face heat up under her gaze.

She was so close to him, he could smell her hair, could see every freckle on her nose, could practically taste the minty freshness of her breath.

She absentmindedly licked her lips and his heart immediately skipped a beat, but then she was pulling away from him, busying herself by putting the napkin back in her bag.

The air around them seemed so tense it was almost tangible, and quiet enveloped the two as they dug around in their plates, neither too hungry to eat.

Taking a deep breath and acting on impulse, his hand snuck under the table and found hers, linking their fingers together. His flesh prickled with goosebumps at the sensation of her skin against his, and his heart beat madly against his chest, because her hand was still in his, she hadn't pulled away and she wasn't yelling at him for trying to molest her.

He glanced her way hesitantly to find a small smile gracing her features, and for once in his life, he was happy he had listened to what Sirius Black, Ladies' Man, had to say.

-&-

**-Fin-**


End file.
